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Friday, March 24, 2006

Vahts Ahp Yoo Em Dob!!!

You know vaht I love about USA? Dere is so many race of people, is like a real melting pot, or as ve say in Iran, kashke bahdemjoon! Vahn ting dat is interesting doh, is dere is some people dat dey are like a kashke bahdemjoon demselves. Dere is a dude on our feloor dat his name is Ethan. He is look like a honky guy, but he is sound like a soul broder! Is may be he is a “mix race”, like dey say, but I herd he is from de Salt Lake City, and I don know if dey have a lot of mix race dere.

Anyvay, you vanne know someting else doh? Ven I vaz a liddel kid, *I* taut I vaz a soul broder. Because on de TV, is only honky and soul broder, but no Iranian. So I look, and I tink, “vell, I’m not a honky, so I guess I am a soul broder”. After a vile I feegair it out, but even now, ven I see a soul broder on de estreet, I tink in my head “Yes. You, me, yes” or ven I vahtch on like a Survivor or Amazeen Race, I am always root for the soul broders. I don know vhy, but is like a eengrain.

Question, is it mostly a honky people dat is read dis belog? Because if yes, ve should do vaht ve can to make it more of a kashke bahdemjoon. Man, come to tink of it, I could really go for some kashke bahdemjoon right now. I fond a recepe at . Check et out:

Ingredients: (4 servings)

·         Small eggplants, 6

·         Kashk, one glass (kashk is thick whey, and should be purchased in Iran or at an  Iranian store) tomato paste, one spoon

·         Medium onions, 2

·         Dried mint, 2 spoons (or 200 grams of fresh mint)

·         Cooking oil

·         Salt

·         Black pepper

Peel eggplants and slice length-wise to a thickness of 1 cm. Add salt and pepper and fry on both sides on medium heat until golden. Add half a cup of hot water to one spoon of tomato paste and mix well. Add to eggplants and cook over medium heat for about 4-5 minutes.

Peel onions and slice thinly. Fry in oil until golden. Also fry dried mint in oil for a few minutes. Alternatively, fresh mint can be used. If so, wash and finely chop mint, then fry in oil. Pour kashk evenly over eggplants; follow with onions and mint, then serve.

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Thursday, March 16, 2006

You know why the mid-west kicks ass? Two words: Waffle House. I went out with Abdul, Hot-Ass Paige, Joan Ellen Beamin and Barri “I can do more Jagrbombs than you” Martin on Friday, and after being kicked out of Fatty’s Pub, (Barri tried to jack a case of Bacardi) we were all a little hammered and a lot hungry. The Waffle House is within perfect walking distance between Fatty’s and dormland, and plus it’s effing awesome. For those that have had the pleasure of WoHo in the wee hours of the morning after a night of drinking, you already know what I’m talking about. For the less fortunate, let me explain: Waffle House kicks the shit out of IHOP, Denny’s, Bob’s Big Boy and any other open-late place that serves drunk people. Not only do you have a seemingly endless choice of badass breakfast, your order is served to you by a drunk-(and truck driver) friendly staff. I could go into more detail right now, but you really just need to go there. And if you don’t have a Waffle House near you, you should plan your next trip accordingly. And maybe all this doesn’t make sense. Well, maybe Drew has been partying. And maybe you should take your ass to Waffle House.

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Friday, March 10, 2006

In the sprirt of awards season, here are some UMW Superlatives:

Most likely to punch a guy in the neck after being told she’s had too much to drink at the Station:  Joan Ellen Beamin

Best looking after six Jagr Bombs: Rhonda (Sorry, I don’t remember your last name)

Most foreign: Abdul

Most likely to be accused of date rape again: Barri Martin

Most likely to think that “the freshman fifteen” is the number of dudes you’re supposed to hook up with that year: Barri Martin

Least likely to agree to a threesome despite my promises of complete secrecy: The hot-ass twins

Biggest buzz killer: Joan and Barri talking about “the change.”  Constantly.

Highest point in the mid-west: Guy’s room

Girl who would get maddest if she found out that Duli and I have nude pictures of her: Paige

People most likely to add someone to this list: You


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Friday, February 03, 2006


1. BE CHATTY-Nobody likes a wallflower. Go on over and introduce yourself. Let him know you’re interested, by saying things like, “I’m interested. Wanna makeout?” The direct approach has really worked for us.

2. BE PREPARED-Your purse should be a treasure trove of flirt paraphernalia  - I have little perfumed cards with “Call me” and my number already stamped on with a lipstick kiss print in my signature color. That way I am never struggling to write numbers on a napkin in some dark parking lot or alley. Joan brings mints, gum, Listerine packs, Purell, safety pins and TUMS. We use all of these every time we go out. Joan says that offering a fellow gum is the easiest way to start a conversation.

3. SMELL GOOD – One of the things Joan and I noticed the minute we arrived at school was that young girls nowadays smell fantastic! The twins for instance each have their own delicious smell. One wears Dior Addict and the other sports Stella McCartney’s scent. So Joan and I went out and bought ourselves some youthful spritz. It’s less flirtwork for you when your scent already says, “Come here big fella…I’m clean.”

4. PLAY WITH YOUR HAIR – Don’t get stuck in a hair rut. I’ve seen some girls with the same tired bob for three semesters. Yuck! Mix it up. When a boy sees you in class with your hair curled and in a sparkly headband, he’s sure to notice you at a party when you have piled all your hair on top of your head and added a good helping of decorative clips. That says, “I take chances. I’m creative. Watch out!”

5. SPECIAL SKILLS – If you are especially good at something show it off! Joan is a master at cooking Bananas Foster. When she goes over to study with a boy she always brings it. I have a sweet singing voice so I’ve been known to belt out some Celine Dion while crossing campus. I’ve turned a few heads and probably melted a few hearts.

6. PLAY UP AN INJURY – Boys love to be valiant. If you have a recent injury, or even just an ache or stiffness you can use it to your advantage with a gentleman. Why not ask a football player to carry you into the Geophysics lecture when you have a slight sprain? We guarantee that that kind of closeness will start something.

7. LIP GLOSS, LIP GLOSS, LIP GLOSS! – Guys love the shiny stuff. It basically says, “I’m a kisser. Whose game?”

8. CORNER HIM – Whether you are in class, at a party or even outside at a soccer game, there is always a way to get him into a corner so you can flirt non-stop. Look for two walls coming together and then an object, like a plant or a bookshelf, to block any alternate exit. When he is trying to excuse himself ignore him. He’ll have to physically move you aside and that means physical contact. You win.

9. PUMP THE KEG – The movement is full of sexual innuendo and you get a great upper body workout. It shows that your independent and it also indicates that you might be a little looser because of all the drinking you’ve been doing. Pour some of your drinks into a potted plant if you want to keep your wits about you and keep the pumping frequent.

10. MOTHER HIM – Do and fold his laundry. Cook him a pot roast. Scold him for coming home late. Praise him for a good grade. Powder him after he showers. Anything a mother would do will delight him. Every college man is just a boy looking for some love and attention. If you follow the other nine tips he won’t confuse you with mommy.

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Tuesday, January 31, 2006

OK ladies. I give up. Apparently I’m not doing anything right with any of you, and I pretty much have no clue where to go from here. I had a date with this girl named Shelly from my Western Civ. class over the weekend. Nothing much – just a movie, milkshakes and some Allman Brothers. She looked hot, and at the time, didn’t seem like a bitch at all. On the way home, she started talking about her ex-boyfriend and how he treated her like crap and always hit on other girls right in front of her and always seemed way more into himself than her, and blah blah blah. So I said, “If he treated you like crap, why did you stay with him?” A simple question, right? Apparently not. She went on to tell me that I shouldn’t judge her and that “deep down he is a really good guy,” and that I’m “a dick” and shouldn’t talk about people that I don’t even know. She called Captain Douche right then and he said he was going to kick my ass real soon. (If you’re feelin’ froggy then jump, Carlos).

So I’m about 0 for 40 this semester, and I can’t quite figure out why. I’ve tried being Johnnyniceguy and that’s gotten me nothing but cheated on. I’ve tried to be the moody mysterious guy and all of a sudden I’m a “stalker.” (That’s bullshit and you know it, Diane) So here’s your opportunity, ladies. You can tell me and every guy that reads this what the EF women want because I’m out of ideas. Give us the answers. We can all be winners.


This week’s movie pick:

Days of Thunder

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Monday, January 23, 2006


Where can you find J.C Chasez of N’Sync, Ryan Cabrera, Paris Hilton and the Campus Ladies all in one place? Why in Las Vegas at the Radio Music Awards. We were in attendance with our fancy producer; Curb your Enthusiasm’s Cheryl Hines, in order to promote the launch of the show. Upon arrival, we put on our passes for the Back Stage Bash and had a delicious bite to eat before starting the whirlwind four-hour station tour.

One of the large ballrooms at the Aladdin hotel was sectioned off for adult contemporary stations. Each of the stations in attendance set up a table to do interviews. Some interviews were to tape others we did live. We had our wranglers walk us around from table to table, crisscrossing all over the room. They would announce to us, “Okay, now you guys are headed to Florida and then you will go to New York.”

Everyone across the board seemed giddy to speak to Cheryl face to face. There were several romantic proposals and lots of questions about what Larry David is really like. Cheryl handled it all with great aplomb. The three of us would then hunker down to the two microphones we were usually given and give a speedy breakdown of the show and why folks should watch. It’s a good thing we’re such close friends with nice breath because we really had to cozy up to one another.

The Boston DJs were especially nice to us, because Carrie and I both come from Massachusetts and they worshipped Cheryl. Often the stations had fun things to play with like crayons and clay. One fellow actually offered us some Jack Daniels, which made subsequent interviews even more fun.

When Carrie and I caught site of Paris and her enormous entourage we were tickled. She had a camera crew and several hangers on as well as a sheet of what she would and would not talk about. We were delighted to see that she was willing to talk about her sex tape, but not Nicole Richie. As Cheryl would say, “Innnnnnnnteresting.”

The interviews were really fun. When we would describe specific story lines (the ladies try to find a bathroom with some privacy or the ladies experiment with becoming lesbians), we always got an enthusiastic. College is such a specific experience and everyone loves to chime in about their own bad behavior.

We have done more radio since then, all three of us in pajamas at Cheryl’s house at 4:45am clinging to mugs of tea and coffee. DJ’s are so good at keeping things energized and entertaining. It really is a lot harder than it sounds. Our thanks to everyone who was so gracious and supportive at the RMA’s. Next time you hear someone on the radio, know that they may well have bed head and ridiculous sleepwear on, unless of course they are Paris Hilton.

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Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Vell, obviously de ladies have been lagging on writing een dere bilog, so I gues I have to pick up de eslack. Abdul here, Duli if you’re nasty. I don have a lot of time, between cilasses and esticking my doodoodle in de hot campus co-eds, so I’m not even typing dis. I’m dictating it from de quad on my Nokia boolootooth-enable cell phone. I hope my accent doesn’t come tru on de bilog.

De mos interesting ting dat is happen to me dis veek is I met a real hot blonde, and let me just say dis: she’s vas down to have a Persian Excursion, if you know vaht I mean!!! Anyvay, she is come to me for some help vit her Persian homevork (I didn’t even know dey HAD Persian at UMW!), aaaand, vaht can I say? One ting is led to anoder. We had a sex for someting like 2 hours. Or no, like 4 hours. No, no, 2 hours, 2 hours. Vell, I mean, she vas HOT, like one of de 8 or 9 hottest ger dat I ever estick my doodoodle in dem. It was really blow my mind ven I find out later, not only is she a member of the Swedish bikini team, but also she is a pilaymate for de Pilayboy! And ALSO, she is a PhD in a… Art History. So… dat, ya, dat vaz a good night. Anyvay, is a little sad because right after ve had our sex, she also told me she has to move to Africa, because she is doing a vork for de Peace Corps. Man, do I know how to peek dem or vaht? So is too bad, I never gonna see her again, and I already forgot her name, but at least I have von more Persian Excursion memory to hold on to. Man, I love de Midvest!!


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Friday, December 09, 2005

Welcome to the Campus Ladies Blog! Aren’t you sweet to visit? We have been super busy acclimating to freshman life in the dorms, but we couldn’t resist starting a ‘blog’ when our Iranian friend Abdul explained to us what one was. It’s thrilling to just type our personal details and let them float around on the internet; it makes us feel so naked. Imagine opening your diary for all the world to see. The communal bathrooms here at school are like that. You’ve got your pants down and you think you’ve got some privacy, when three girls walk in chatting away. It’s like you might as well be doing your business right smack in the middle of the quad!

We want to document some of our experiences and observations about school. It’s a great way to let the folks back home in on what we’re doing at UMW. We apologize to everyone for not being in touch, especially Gail and Lorraine who’ve called probably a dozen times. Sorry girls, it’s just that life as ‘older’ coeds is so intense. Who knew you could take a scooter to class or hang a sock on your door to tell your roomie, “Stay away. I have a visitor and it’s getting intimate!” And yes, we’ve done some serious experimenting and we’ll write about it here. Right now we have to get to the ‘pre-party’ in Fudge’s room.  So welcome, welcome! We wish we could greet you all individually, but Abdul says that’s not necessary. If you have any questions about college life or even advice for us please e-mail us. Our addresses are ‘linked’ somehow. Again, Abdul set it up so we don’t have the foggiest idea how to explain it to you.

Good Luck! 

Joan and Barri

P.S. Have some fun and check out how we, as two forty-year-old freshman, translate popular college slang:

1. Clam Jacking – When a gal steals a fella that you’ve been eyeing and works her voodoo sex magic on him so that you’re left out to dry. This is the female counterpart to ‘cock blocking’.“Just as Barri was about to make her moves on Dutch, the 6 foot 2 ceramics T.A., a cute little red head cut her off at the kiln and clam jacked her.”

2. Crank Butts – When drinking a glass or eight of wine while cramming for finals, your roommate comes in and persuades you to chain smoke. “Joan stood out on the balcony cranking butts while Barri quizzed her on French vocabulary.”

3. Rock a look – Looking pretty dynamite in an outfit or having a really jazzed out accessory. “Joan turned a lot of heads rocking a colorful beret on her way to the cafeteria.”

4. Rip the bong – When someone smokes marijuana through a tube really hard, and gets crazy high. “The dirty boy with the dreadlocks would rip the bong every night and create a cloud of smoke in the common room so that nobody could study.”

5. You're being a Herb – Herb short for Herbert, is what you don’t want to be called because it means you’re being a real dumbbell and even your friends agree you look like a jackass. “Joan felt like a real Herb when everyone laughed at her Santa Claus brooch at the holiday kegger.”

6. Off the chain – Anything that is just sensational, from a hairstyle to a handbag. “Everyone agreed that the quiche the ladies made for the Developmental Psych discussion group was off the chain!”

7. A Shorty – A term most frequently used by big black fellas to describe their little hotty girlfriends. “Yo shorty, come over here I wanna git wit you,” said Jamelle to Rashondra, the cute little thing he just met at da club.”

8. What's good? - How are you? “Joan and Barri, trying to break the ice at a sorority function said, “What’s good?” to a clique of girls who stared at the ladies like they were aliens.”

9. Sweet hook up - A spectacular deal or bargain. “Because of Barri’s relationship with Virginia the cafeteria lady, she got a sweet hook up on an oversized hotplate for her dorm room.”

10. Denunzios – A funny term for your best friends or the folks you hang around with most. “Joan and Barri hosted an intimate gathering in their dorm room to celebrate homecoming with their denunzios.”

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